Dear Abby: My niece spent the money I gave her for her wedding on a cruise

Dear ABBY: My sister recently lost her husband, who passed away after a short battle with cancer. Her daughter, my niece, was scheduled to get married later this year. They struggle with finances and the death of my brother-in-law made the situation worse. To help, my wife and I quietly gave them $1000 to put towards my niece’s shower so they could have it in a nice place. My sister was grateful, but unfortunately we heard nothing from my niece.

Fast forward a few months, and the wedding has now been called off. My sister and her daughter recently went on a cruise and told me they had booked another one. No mention of getting our $1000 back. My wife is getting more and more frustrated and wants to say something to my sister, which will create a family feud. While I agree that the money should be returned, I’m inclined to delete it rather than make a mess. I’d love to hear your perspective. – GENEROUS IN THE EAST

DEAR Bujar: My perspective is that when it comes to your sister and her daughter, you should keep your wallet tightly closed. The money is gone and you’re right that filing a case will cause ill will. Your generosity should have been acknowledged and when the wedding was cancelled, your money should have been returned instead of being applied towards mother/daughter leave. If your niece manages to get married in the future, remember that you have already given her a “wedding gift”.

Dear ABBY: Our family is having its first reunion since my mom and dad left. We three brothers are now the oldest generation. My older brothers are planning the event. They are inviting my ex-wife of 21 years, but none of my three ex-nephews. This is upsetting to me and my wife of 20 years.

I strongly feel that when you get married, you get married in the family and when you get divorced, you get divorced “outside” the family. My ex-wife and two sisters-in-law have remained close friends since our divorce and have avoided my current wife.

Should we be upset about the invitation? Shouldn’t we attend if my ex comes? One brother says she is still “part of the family” and should be included. My wife and I are furious. who is here – POOPER PARTY IN IOWA

DEAR PARTY POOPER: Did your parents include your ex-spouse in previous family reunions? If they did, I can see why she would be welcome to it. However, if they haven’t, I can understand your feelings, in light of the fact that your brothers’ wives have avoided your wife for 20 years.

That said, not all divorces are the same. Some ex-couples manage an amicable split, and you cannot and should not dictate who your relatives choose to have a relationship with. If you and your wife felt more comfortable skipping the reunion, I wouldn’t blame you.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.