Here are the signs you’re ready to be ghosted: Jana Hocking

Oh, dear readers, prepare yourselves.

This week’s lesson is a classic case of “Do as I say, not as I do,” because I seem to have made the biggest dating shenanigans.

Last week, I became a ghost. Yes, after three long months of dating someone I thought was pretty awesome, Casper the not-so-friendly ghost made his presence known and it was brutal.

After years of being lectured by friends and family about being “too picky,” I finally found the perfect man.

And I continued to put this man on a mindless pedestal. A dumb kiss and my brain briefly cycled.

To be honest, it surprised me. The more I got to know him, the more he seemed to tick every box on my dream man fantasy checklist.

This wasn’t a shallow list like “Must look like Brad Pitt.” No, it was deeper: a handsome country boy, someone I could look up to, driven, protective, and a sense of humor. Good lord, the sound of his laughter could light up a room.

It’s embarrassing to admit this, but when we met, I just got this sense: “Oh, there it is.”

A lot of pressure for a guy, I know. But I think I played it well – I mean, I didn’t drop it, there was no rabbit-boiler shaking here. I kept my drool to a minimum.

However, unlike the distant, anxious-avoidant me of previous years, I decided to quit the games and be direct with my feelings. For example, after our first proper sleepover, I texted her saying, “I’m in love with you.”

I know, chills. So damaging to the brand. But I really did.

I was thrilled when he replied that the feeling was mutual, so I felt confident that this would be a smooth trip to Couple Town. Maybe even taking out a billboard ad to announce that I was finally off the market.

I child. I child.

So being ghosted a few months later felt like a heavy blow to the heart (and vajajjay).

But now that I’ve had time to let it sink in, I’ll sheepishly admit that this ghost wasn’t a huge surprise. And, dare I say it, it may have been my fault.

After putting my slightly bruised ego aside, I realized the signs were there early on.

He was never really into it.

I realized this after coming across one of those self-help Instagram accounts.

Yes, my name is Jana Hocking and I am subscribed to them. Judge away.

Anyway, there was a reel that featured a wise old man in elegant black and white video offering this gem:

“It’s your fault when you hang on to someone who’s made it clear they’re not good for you. Take ownership. If someone tells you who they are, believe them. It’s not about what they say, it’s about what they do. And if the actions don’t match, it’s time to go in the other direction.”

Oof.

This made me take a hard look at the relationship. The man I was dating was all talk and no action. He called me baby or sweetheart, words that make me melt. What can I say, it was giving Rip-and-Beth-from-“Yellowstone.”

But then he would disappear for days, causing my cortisol levels to skyrocket. When he reappeared, it would be with shocking messages that made me feel like a million bucks.

However, in three months, I saw him face to face only three times, one of which was my birthday. Despite countless texts, voice notes, sexts and rude calls, we only had two dates and one birthday party together.

I realized that his ghosting was actually my fault. I was so mesmerized that I focused too much on his words and ignored his actions – which, let’s face it, were few and far between.

His actions screamed, “I WILL NEVER MEET HIM RIGHT.” I just didn’t listen. So this ghost was inevitable. I just couldn’t take ownership. I ignored my intuition.

So here are some signs you might be ready to ghost:

1. They are unclear about future plans: It sounds obvious, but when you all love the heart emoji eyes, it can be distracting. Phrases like “I’ll check my diary when I get home” or “Let’s wrap it up next week” are red flags.

2. Words do not match actions: Compliments and late night texts can make you feel special, but if action doesn’t follow, it’s just talk. They are enjoying the attention without any intention of acting on it.

3. They leave your texts unread for hours: This stings. My son usually got back to me around 10pm, which didn’t scream “advantage”.

4. The excuses are half, but: We had a date planned and when I suggested we go out instead of dinner at home, he suddenly remembered he had a work meeting. Spoiler alert: He didn’t.

If they aren’t interested in proper dating, your chances of being fancied are high.

This experience was a masterclass in “He’s just not that into you.” Damn you, Sex and the City.

So what did we learn? Don’t just listen to your heart. Maybe check with your brain too. The signs are always (annoyingly) there.

For the record, though, I still think it’s an ad-k move.

Jana Hocking is a columnist and aggregator @jana_hocking